Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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