This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
