perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
