just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
