I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
