so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
