I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
