So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
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They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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