haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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