Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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