Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
