Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
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Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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