you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
