I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
And my parents said I crawled through the house
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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