My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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