sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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