my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
