If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
