Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Randomize
