Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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