We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i came on her dog
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
