So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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