We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
