Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
