I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
