just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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