I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
