then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
