i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
