No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I miss vodka workout Fridays
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
