p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
