In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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