pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
