i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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