So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
