Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
is wine microwaveable?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
