also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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