if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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