I faked an abortion last night.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
