U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
