Nicole vs. Life
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
