She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
