okay pat passed out under dana's car
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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