Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
