I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
