We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
