I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
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