and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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