Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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