Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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