u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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