you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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