bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
