i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
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You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
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I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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