So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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